It’s been a long few months.
Looking at where I am now mentally, I start to realize just how far I’ve come with this entire experience with finding self love. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t lie to you and say its always been easy and nothing but sunshine and roses throughout all of this. As I reflect on who I was last year it becomes really apparent to me that I was so incredibly self conscious with not only my body but just generally who I was and how I was walking with the Lord. I’ve grown so much since then not only spiritually but mentally, and in my maturity. The Lord is still working so hard on who I am becoming and although I’ve made a lot of progress from just a few months ago, I am still only in the beginning of this lifelong journey.
So many people have told me such kind things like how I actually so have a nice smile, I’m kind, joyful, I have an incredible energy, a nice voice, and other very kind things. Most of all the Lord has shown me so much beauty; not only in His beautiful earth that he created, but also in the people He’s brought into my life. He’s shown me so much love I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around it. Once again I am so thankful for all of the kindhearted people The Lord has blessed me with within these months, but I must be honest and say it hasn’t always been easy or pleasant and it still isn’t. There have been times where the people who I truly thought were there for me were the ones who tore me down the very most. There were nights where I’d cry myself to sleep hating the person I’d become. I not only hated how I looked, I hated everything about myself down to the core. Over time an unfortunate series of events occurred the threw me into a very serious bout of depression and anxiety.
What once started with simple self deprecation comments rapidly went to feeling useless and questioning why God was putting me through all of this sadness. I remember feeling like everything had gotten out of hand and I was in just a deep hole and self destructive mess that there was no possible way of me fixing it. Then I decided to go to my parents for help and I prayed and prayed and over time I started learning that God loves me so much that he sent his only Son to die for my sins and that helped me realize that all of my wrongdoings and sins were payed for at the cross by Jesus Christ. I did everything in my power to remind myself that I did not need to take any of this out on myself. I used to hate who I was and the body that the Lord gave me. I felt so alone so I remember I looked at a website with bible verses on it and I recall reading 1 Corinthians 6:19 “Don’t you know that your body is a temple that belongs to the Holy Spirit, whom you received from God, lives in you. You don’t belong to yourselves. You were bought for a price. so bring glory to God in the way you use your body.” and in that very moment when I read that verse, my entire perspective of my life changed. I once thought I wasn’t good enough or that I was less than everyone else and I had no self worth or self respect because I always thought I was basically garbage; a wasted space, useless to the world, not enough for anyone, anyone to ever love me but then the Lord really showed me that I do not belong to earthly things. The Lord showed me that I belong to Him and that I was put on this earth for a reason and not for just any reason. God put me here for a great reason and He gave the best, most rewarding purpose that any human could have. He put be here to serve and to glorify His name. From that moment on my life changed, I now know that I am special, wonderful, loved, kind, wise, worthy, strong, and most of all I am loved.
Knowing that God sacrificed his only Son for me, because he loves me gives me so much joy and reason to serve.
I no longer need to seek love in boys, status, approval of others, or anything of that sort to be truly happy or loved. All I need to be is me. The imperfect, loud, funny, hot mess, clumsy, girl I am with a laugh that you can hear from the other side of the store, the smile that lights up a room, my kind understanding eyes, and everything else.
I do not need to change, modify, enhance, or remove a single thing about myself because I was made unique and in the image of God and the earthly body is not mine to criticize. I am put on this earth to make an impact and glorify you Lord.
I am a beautiful child of God who fears nothing because of you.
I am to thankful for the incredible lessons God has shown me within this year. I cannot wait for the rest of my journey but this time my journey with you, Lord.